A very disturbing thing happened. I was listening to a few songs, and i saw that mahesh bhatt had directed some really good movies. So i went on to read on him. I found he was a follower of U.G. Krishnamurty.
Now some years ago, i had undertaken a long barefoot religious journey with few of my friends from onkareshwar to ujjain. In midst there was a new road being constructed, on which few of us badly burnt our foot and left the journey midway. But i didn't come out of the trip Un-enlightened. By chance one of my friend's Uncle lived in Onkareshwar, and there, he had a book by jiddu Krishnamurty, which i happened to chance upon. I read it for an hour or so, and couldn't continue. One reason was that i was reading it by the light of a dim oil lamp, and the other being, that whatever the man had written up to that point on death was already soemthing i firmly believed in. Since i didn't know who he was or anything, i just let it slip, that it must be one of those low level thinkers. Because if you find your own thoughts materialized in some book, you definitely won't hold that author in such a high esteem, while at the same time you would feel a little sense of pride that the thought exists, and you arrived on it independently, and there is a book on it and stuff. But anyways, i closed the book, called "on death", and forgot about him.
But since i am into books i remembered the name krishnamurty.
Mu second attempt at the man was when i was travelling by train from somewhere to somewhere. I boorowed it from some one just to check if that was a fluke, or is it really that i think the same. And guess what, it was the same and a little more. My admiration grew. I can't think of a single reason that why have i not read any of his works. No reason, but thats how it stands. Its as if i want to see if after i have a consistent complete thought, then i will check if i match his thought. Now i know how big he was. But then once a thought formed, i let it remain.
Continuing from above, so when i read of this other Krishnamurty, i was curious, that who was he and was he related to Jiddu or something.
I ended up reading summary on Jiddu and UG and ramanna Maharshi from Wikipedia.
Something is happening. The problem is what they are saying, i COMPLETELY understand. I am not supposed to. Part of it is already with me. I have discovered it on my own. The disturbing thing is, i want to find out more. I don't think the road leads to some where traditional where my parents except me to end up. But the feeling was so profound, i was close to tears. It was as if i didn't have the words, but i wanted to say the same things, for so long, i wanted to cry out...." I know"....and in this agitated and emotional state i write this note.
My mind tells me that this isn't done. This isn't normal. either its something very profound and life changing or i am on my way to become one crazy guy.
I hope this passes...I hope this was just temporary......but Once i know that others have known what i thought was my own twisted mind...my own inner beliefs...my mechanism of understanding the world...i am not too sure.
